God Got Bored On Sunday. A poem by David Raines

God Got Bored On Sunday

God got bored on Sunday and in a mischievous kind of way
said “I’m gonna make religious leaders start to justify their pay”.
Saying ‘Mary’s gone agnostic down in Accrington,
and ‘one of you has got to save her from hell’.
They were all put together in a call centre
and told “you’d better give the girl a bell”.

The pope called Mary on Monday
and said ‘I want to make a Catholic out of you.
I’ve got a papal dispensation here
I can forgive the things you do’.

She was phoned by Desmond Tutu on Tuesday
And in a cosy Christian kind of way
He tickled her with his laughter and
tempted her to pray.

Wednesday bought a call from a Witness
who said ‘judgement day is near’.
She guessed his tales of the ‘end time’
were supposed to fill her full of fear.

While talking to the Ayatollah on Thursday
she had to put the Dalai Lama on hold
she forgot for hours that he was waiting
but his patience was a wonder to behold.

By Friday Mary’s phone was humming
She had all the religions in a queue
Sikh’s and Muslims and Mormons
Taoists, Baptist’s and Jews

Her head was spinning when a Dervish called
late on Saturday night.
But, he couldn’t get her to turn with him
though he tried with all his might.

God called Mary on Sunday and said
“have you time to speak”.
Mary said it’s nice to hear you voice
you’re the first girl to call all week.

©David Raines 2011

Is IAPT dying?

IAPT Dying?

David Raines AKA Gabblewack.

Is IAPT dying? I’m minded to ask. It’s been eight years since Layard laid out the task With a unified vision, a national plan, And a big wad of dosh the endeavour began.

We seem to have increased access, as the initials purport; A million people treated, says the three-year report. Forty-five percent of those hit recovery rates, Though what constitutes “recovery” is up for debate.

Five percent “off benefits,” “economic gains.” So why is it this sense of unease remains? It isn’t that clear; it’s hard to decide: Did they return to work, or were benefits denied?

Layard’s calculations may have been sound But formed at a time when there were more jobs around. When they laid the pathway and put down the cash, They didn’t foresee the financial crash.

Higher unemployment, applicants abound; Now how does that history of mental health sound? They won’t ask about it at the ESA reviews; You’ll be found fit for work if you can bend and touch your shoes.

On a raft of new measures that come into play, We embark together on All Fools’ Day. Drifting off to sea with a forecast of storms, Loaded with a cargo of benefit reforms.

Legal aid cuts, changes in employment law, Will make it easier for employers to show you the door. Benefits capped and bedrooms taxed, The belt has been tightening—it won’t be relaxed.

Maybe ‘Work Capability Neurosis’ is the diagnosis to be used, Describing pathological fears of having benefits refused. Or ‘Post-Work Capability Assessment Disorder’ is better, Describing the impact of the judgement letter.

Care Commissioning Groups are here, the new season’s fashion, Giving GPs the right to share out the rations. When it comes to decisions about what is to be bought, Will it be evidence-based practice or ongoing support?

So will IAPT fit in with the CCGs’ plans? Will it flourish and grow in the GPs’ hands? They seem at ease with disease, with infection and plague, But when it comes to mental health, they’re disturbingly vague.

As the huddled masses start knocking at the doctor’s door For their prescriptions to relieve the effects of being poor, Will they be poring over NICE guidelines, or referring everything To the nice lass down the corridor who does some counselling?